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Seasons: Pretty Much Unnecessary

October 18, 2008 12:01 am Jason Observations, Weather

Here in Ohio, I often hear people say things such as, “I couldn’t live without my seasons”. This, of course, is ridiculous. There are millions of people around the world (mostly in the middle part) who live long and full lives without much in the way of seasons. In fact, just about all of the places that we routinely call ‘paradise’ are essentially seasonless. Growing up in southern California, I quite enjoyed the fact that our seasonal changes were indistinct and largely ignorable. This allowed me to pursue my hobbies, such as walking around outside in shorts and sandals, year-round.

Needless to say, I have mixed feelings about seasons. I suspect that many a supposed season-lover secretly feels the same. Why else would so many life-long Ohioans, upon reaching retirement, abandon their motherland for the balmy shores of Florida? But, you may say, many of them only go for the winter, which can be hard on the elderly. I might respond that it’s rude to talk about old people that way, and then tell you that that argument plays right into my hands.

To get to the heart of the matter, we need to take a biased close look at the seasons of the Midwest. Here’s what my analysis reveals:

• Spring is actually just winter, with the addition of some desperate and foolishly optimistic flowers.
• Winter is long, dark, cold, and miserable.
• Summer generally takes it’s sweet time getting here, and then when it does it’s infested with thunder storms.
• Fall brings mild weather and spectacular colors to the trees.

The results are telling. Most of the seasons are completely lousy at their worst, and not very good at their best. So, when people say things like, “I couldn’t live without my seasons,” what I think they’re really saying is, “I like Fall”. Fall is Mother Nature’s trump card. Just when folks are about to pack their bags and head south for good, Mother Nature breaks out her paint set and instead of leaving, the people stand there transfixed. Suddenly people start saying irrational things like, “see, that’s why I love seasons!” Slap some pretty colors on the forest for a month or so and the Seasons have, essentially, bought themselves another year of loyalty.

Fall in Ohio is undeniably beautiful. California has nothing like it. Since I live in Ohio, I should probably just relax and enjoy its season-love-inducing show. Still, when Christmas rolls around I can’t helping thinking that I’d much prefer to have the Great Pacific lapping at my toes, than Jack Frost nipping at my nose.